philosophy.

beauty is a face made of plastic

a button nose, doe eyes

a face suffocated with makeup deemed “natural” by the internet of lies

beauty is a body with certain curves

and certain lines

beauty is a standard that likes to discriminate and criticize 

beauty doesn’t it like when it sees people who don’t check all its boxes

so it calls upon loneliness, bullying, and disgust to stalk them

to prey upon them like sly foxes

that never let them know that it was beauty which was the cause

of all their misfortune

and if the fox prey fight back

then beauty checkmates

its sends ugly to decimate

it blows away self-esteem 

it shoots confidence and pride 

and it kills dreams

why should beauty have the power to make some people loved more than others

and dispose of the rest in the gutters

i call on intelligence, courage, honesty, and kindness to overtake this corrupt dictator

and for beauty to be branded a liar and a traitor/and to beauty i say see you NEVER alligator

every day i inhale that horrible smoky gray in several breaths

and every day i get closer and closer to death

we children (the youth?) shouldn’t be punished for the actions of those who love their cigarette

forced to inhale a gaseous threat

i call for action against this device this addiction this weapon of destruction

i call for designated rooms and places for construction

for where these people can take their abhorred smoke

so that breathing is once again safe for us other folk

i don’t want to bike to school every day in fear

of some smoker releasing death so near

everyday i cough i hold my breath i glare

but i cant do anything but stare

at that person walking by who has no respect for other peoples lives

and just keeps blowing out that wicked gray that causes innocents to die

and as a singer i want to preserve my voice

not be forced to inhale poison without a choice

so once again i ask of you no i demand of you

to stop smoking, or at least go do it alone in your room

a large eye awaits

veins bulging, the pupil inflates

it burns a scalding hot iron of shame down my body and face

boils and blisters of ___ fester and plague my skin

is this the price of wanting to win?

with any mistake or misstep i make

with fury and pain i start to shake  

like a tree in a hurricane thats beaten till it breaks

must i dig into my skin with sharpened nails and peel off my flesh 

to plaster on hard concrete that will make me the best

must i meticulously plan every aspect of my life

so that i can succeed in everything without experiencing much strife

must i spend countless hours thinking hard till my brain starts to pound (shoving information into my eyes and ears)

like a hammer constantly hitting against the ground

how do i use a shovel instead

to pick up nutritious healthy soil 

i don’t want to spend my life in constant dread 

i don’t want to always toil

but that seems to be the price of being better

im scared if i don’t always try to improve and that if i’m not a go getter

ill have no value for this society and people will silently mutter

that girl doesn’t belong at the top she belongs in the gutter

and not even that, i’ve known

right now im no match for the ones that have grown

the ones that are the best at what they do,

despite being in their youth

the ones that constantly hit themselves against a wall

even when they just wanted to cry and curl up into a ball

And so i know once again ill have to face the eye

And once again ill probably cry

But one day i know ill be better

And all my past pain will feel as light as a feather

in our society there’s only certain types of beautiful

if you fit the standards to be one of them, even just a few, your life is wonderful

lots of people want to be your friend

the list of suitors seems to never end

less judgement for your opinions and your actions

yet for those who don’t meet those qualifications, all they can do is try not to make any infractions

because for them its hard to be liked by all

because of their face or their body to the bottom of the social ladder they’ll fall

its unfair that some are liked more than others based on winning the genetic lottery

i wish i could just sculpt the perfect face i want using pottery

i wish i could fix all the asymmetries 

the big nose and the imperfections

i wish i could fix my unaligned jaw and crooked lips

but the only way is with surgery and lots of injections

but if everyone had the perfect face what would be the new beautiful

something absolutely preposterous for sure

so its better to think i’m beautiful on the inside i tell myself

but i still wish i could be a pretty teenager

you gave me the strength to move forward when i had none 

you pushed me gently so that i could run

you told me to stand back up when all i wanted to do was fall

why did you give me so much only to leave me with no one to call

eventually i had to find someone new 

but even they haven’t looked out for me the same way as you used to

maybe i was like a little sister to you

or maybe another type of feeling inside you bloomed

i wonder why you took such good care of me

but then left me behind

my new friend makes me happy and we’re almost always by each others side

they are there for me once in awhile

and often make me smile

walks after school together are lots of fun

and so are our frequent moments in the grass under the sun

a friend i cherish and will definitely keep,

but sometimes they aren’t there for me when inside i feel like all i want to do is weep 

and i realize that really i must learn to thrive on my own

and gain strength from myself alone

but sometimes in the back of my head i still hear you say

words that helped me get through my day

whyd you stop being my friend sometimes i still wonder why 

it makes me sad sometimes but not enough to cry

when memories pop into my head of you sometimes my heart drops

but i know soon the sometimes and the subtle ache will stop

because i no longer need you to lift me up

because i know that me myself and i is enough

thats stupid 

whyd you think that 

whyd you say that

you’re no longer a child

i told you to calm down

control yourself

hide your feelings

lower your voice

the decibal level, the pitch

take responsibility

take action

you said you wanted to grow up

then why are still acting like a kid

why do you keep avoiding the work you need to do to achieve your goals

why do you keep adding to a conversation,

you don’t always need to speak

why can’t you overcome failure,

you’re still too weak

why can’t you control your words

you keep making yourself a fool

learn from your mistakes

only then will you bloom

i tell myself these things

hoping they will help me spread my wings

but my heart it aches

my blood boils and quakes

the formula, i know

but why is it so hard to follow

even without thinking im rhyming 

even without trying im thriving

but in other places im barely surviving

i like doing challenging problems

only when i have an idea of how to solve them

i like being able to imagine

but my mind is only at a fraction

of what it needs to be 

in order to defeat my shortcomings

In my life there are people hurting and giving everything for me

Yet I still continue to make choices that will mark my defeat

I should be working,
I don’t want to live my life with regrets and pain

Yet laziness and distractions are lurking

My bad choices are creating a chain

What can I do to break myself free 

From these shackles that I can’t seem to see

Discipline and strength must be my swords 

To cut me loose 

From the addiction I didn’t choose

im worried about losing myself completely 

with no sun left to greet me

im worried about all the time ive lost

and all these broken thoughts

stop staying in your head

is what i said

i needed a way to stay sane

i needed just one happiness grain

and eventually after all my panic 

i managed to find my way out of the deep dark atlantic

and met the sun i hadnt seen in awhile

and took a deep sigh and after many months, smiled

if only i could change myself

because the way im living it feels like im in hell

lying 

joking

crying 

hoping

am i living or am i just a stone

that’ll never reach that cold and empty throne

i was at a time in my life where i could’ve supported myself academically artistically athletically

instead i spent my time pathetically

if i’d tremendously improved upon the three As 

i would’ve surpassed my competition by so many days

life felt like a heavenly prison

everyday practically spent in the same position

as i drowned out the world with the sweet sounds and vibrant images of the television

im scared

i whimper as i reach out a shaky hand

my paining heart squeezes and aches and burns-impaired

from moving forward

unprepared to be left alone

is it too much to demand to command

the clock’s steady hand 

backwards and not forwards

forwards

melts into

four words

i have many regrets

i was

i was

a quiet child 

a gentle child

a shy child

became

a critical child

a cold child

a distant towards her parents child

a child who almost never smiled

change??? talk abt the transition

but now that child has grown

and only wishes she had known

how precious, how fleeting her childhood would be

that it wouldn’t be too long before she left her family

and now she yearns to stay 

for much longer

but she knows that she wont grow that way

her heart screams and sighs (metaphor or some literary device)

and she tries 

and she cries

to disguise

her earnest command

and the child’s shaky hand

college

to go anywhere else would be futile

its better to just stay here for awhile

because i need the sun to make me smile

and even though i dont want to be so close to my parents that i can rush back to them like a child 

i think its still ok to lean on them, once in awhile

and even though i dont want to see the same old scenery for four more years

there are so many great opportunities that i can find here

and i dont need to stay within my hometown

there are so many other great schools in this state of sun just lying around

and i know soon enough ill find my perfect place

a special somewhere that i can embrace

that will shape me and make me 

and mold me and hold me

until im ready to fly out into this big beautiful world

as a grownup woman, no longer a girl

**Don't panic, gasp, or worry, it was less of a death and more of a rebirth. Stay tuned, in the upcoming months, for meetings with the butterfly that has emerged from the cocoon.**